Whew, it's been a while since I have blogged. I have decided to start writing on my old blog and have changed the title from "Radical Mama" to "Bereaved Mama". One of the reasons I had stopped writing on my blog "For Vienne" is because it had slowly morphed from a blog dedicated to memories about her and thoughts on her...to more about my grief journey. I think it would be best to separate the two.
I am not sitting down with any eloquence or grand thoughts in mind. I am just sitting and doing this. I needed to just do it. I have had so many thoughts floating around in my head...things that I've needed to get out of my head but I haven't just taken the time to sit and let them pour out. I am not even sure they will come now...but at least I have started. That's something.
I don't yet plan to publicize this blog. I don't need the attention. But if someone were to stumble upon it, then they are welcome to peek into the inner depths of my mind as I grapple to find some sense and order to them. But, if you are new, please tread lightly. Basically - Be nice or leave. ;)
Right this very moment I am sitting on a couch in a quiet little coffee shop in Wheeler, OR - it's on the coast. Mark gifted me with a private weekend away, just time away for me. I've never taken a trip like this before. I have to admit, at first it is hard to adjust to. I drove up to my little cottage in the woods and had a mini panic attack moment. I sat on the bed and just thought "ok, what now?". It was so quiet. So remote. So lonely. But I am 2 days into it and doing better...finding my independent groove.
I have needed some "me time". Time to just organize my thoughts. Allow myself opportunities to openly grieve without fear of inconveniencing anyone or feeling rushed to sop up my tears. I haven't cried, yet though. I haven't really "gone there"...haven't felt the nudge. I have found an interesting book to delve into though. It's called "Lord Willing?: Wrestling with God's Role in My Child's Death". Appropriate, I'd say. From what I am gathering, thus far, the author is going to tackle the big question of "was this God's will?" or "did God allow/cause this?". These are questions I have often wrestled with and never found answers for, so I shove them aside in a messy corner and work hard at ignoring them, like I do with so much else of my grief. So, I am interested to read what she has to say. I am hoping for a good answer...not a fluffy Christian-y one.
I have learned over the last year that my biggest spiritual struggle lies in feeling that Christianity failed me when Vienne died. My theologies of God and Jesus and Christianity, that I had accumulated and formed throughout my life, set me up for great failure and really wrecked my spiritual response to Vienne's horridly tragic and sudden death. I had always known that tragedies happen (duh, of course)..but for some very naive reason, I had foolishly let myself believe that if I covered my children in prayer and faith and enough Jesus, that they would be protected. I let myself believe that if I spoke it and had enough faith, that it would come to be...that my faith could move mountains. I let myself believe that "when two or more are gather, God would hear my prayers" and act in my favor in answer to those prayers. I never ever thought that He would tell me NO...or even consider that maybe He wasn't able to answer in the way I pleaded with Him to. I let myself blindly reside inside an insecure unstable "Christian bubble" that was doomed to pop...and it did. Holy hell did it pop. And, unfortunately, it burned much of my faith down to ashes.
What do I believe? Where is my faith right now? Well, I still believe the basics - I believe in God and I believe that He sent His Son, Jesus, here to die for us. I believe in the Trinity. And, that's about all I can say right now. I do not agree with most Christian theology anymore. I struggle with the Bible. I believe that it was inspired by God and written by very faithful and well-meaning believers. I do not believe it is the handbook for life and the end-all answer to all things anymore. I believe that it was written by people in different times, influenced and biased by their societies, circumstances, culture, and time. Things that made sense and were applicable then are NOT always applicable now. Just because it was written in the Bible does not mean that when you read it, it is exactly meant for you. I think it is foolish and naive and ignorant to believe that now...but I used to rely heavily on the words in that book. When I felt inspired by a passage, I strongly felt that it was meant for me. I do not feel this way anymore.
This is the most fragmented nonsensical blog and I think I'm going to end it now and write another one. I just had to start somewhere. This was it. No grace or beauty or thoughtfulness..just a pouring.