...blown and tossed by the wind

Last night, I took Vienne on our usual evening walk, at sunset.  It is always a quiet walk.  A time to reflect and decompress.  The air was crisp and still and so we ventured down onto the sand and walked the line of the rhythmic waves.  The last glimpse of the sun revealed a stunning pink-orange hue that shed a calming blanket of light over the ocean.  The waves were reserved last night, shushing and lulling back and forth.  The water had that beautiful silver almost lavender sheen dancing across it.  Lovely. I thought to myself "wow.  I live here."  I had almost forgotten.  I realized that I have let myself get tossed around...not only in the bustle of life, but in my faith as well.  

As most can attest, being a new mom is all-consuming, to say the least.  Recently, I have started to feel such pride for finally finding the ability to calm down and discover myself again...my interests, my passions.  But, last night, I realized that I have neglected to uncover the depth of my spirit and renew my passion for Christ.  Motherhood hit me hard in the first 3-4 months.  I will not lie - I almost didn't like the new role.  It hit me by surprise like a sneaker wave.  There were literal times where I would yell and curse and cry.  Shameful. And, not once, no not once did I call upon the Lord.  You know why?  Because I was so down deep in my own self pity, letting myself get tossed around, that I didn't even believe that He wanted to help me out.  It was one of the first times in my life that I found myself doubting. What a low point.  I realized that I had taken credit for all 'my' success during the pregnancy and labor that I subconsciously thought I could handle the rest on my own.  Oh, foolish child.  

I have just acknowledged all of this in the past month.  It is a humble reality.

I am starting a study on James today.  How applicable it is going to be.  The moment that I admitted my ugly pride and doubt, the Lord has finally been welcome to come in and get to work. We shall see what this journey will reveal.

"But when (s)he asks, (s)he must believe and not doubt, because (s)he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."