Love and Respect

Mark and I have been reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich.  Interesting book.  If you're not familiar with it, it focuses primarily on the passage from Ephesians 5:33 which states: 

"However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Those who know the Bible are familiar with this passage, especially if we are married.  But, have we fully digested what it truly means to "respect our husbands"?  For me, respecting Mark has not been difficult to do, so honestly, I have found myself only mildly embracing this 'instruction'.  But, the book points something out that struck me:  the fact that our husbands value respect not as much as they value love but as much as we women value love.  If they were given the option between receiving love or respect, they would choose respect.  To me, that is a foreign thought as a woman.  Love is so much more important to me.  

What has also become an interesting topic with some other ladies I know is the concept of 'unconditionally respecting' our husbands.  As we enter the marriage, I assume that we hope for and expect unconditional love, as Christ loves us...do we not?  To be loved despite our follies, our irritating habits, our past...etc.  Right?  Well, that's exactly what our men need from us with respect.  To respect them despite their mistakes, their choices, their behavior...etc.  This entire concept was brought up in my ladies' Bible study and I was sadly disappointed to discover that the other ladies did not view respect this way.  Their respect for their husbands is conditional and they seemed pretty firm in believing that was acceptable.  It made me so sad.  

Of course, respecting our husbands, unconditionally, is not an easy task at all times.  Yes, they will make poor choices, they will behave in ugly ways...we will not always like them. But, as Christ loves us despite all that we've done and continue to do, so are we to aspire to treat our husbands in the same light.  It is an act of obedience not of feeling, sometimes. The scripture does not say "love your wife as you love yourself when it is easy to do and the wife must respect her husband only when he deserves it".   And, Christ does not love us only when we are perfectly following Him, nor does He call us to love others and treat others kindly only when they deserve it.  He instructs us to love our enemies, to love the unlovable...all the more, we should be loving and respecting our husbands, should we not?  The point of all this is not to say that it is easy.  No.  Of course it isn't.  If it was easy to do then the Lord wouldn't have to make such pointed instructions for us, now would He?  These things are difficult sometimes, yes.  And, no, we cannot always do it on our own.  One girl in my study said that if her husband cheated on her, she would not be able to handle it and she would leave without looking back, knowing that is against what the Lord asks of us.  Of course, I believe that is what we would all initially feel.  Of course, we would not be able to handle it.  But I have been embracing, more and more lately, the awesome power of our God.  In saying that 'we cannot handle it and we would just give up', we are limiting His power.  No, we cannot handle it, but HE surely can.  And, when we rely on Him, He works the impossible.  Dealing with infidelity is not something that I am familiar with in the least bit and I cannot say that I know how I would respond to it.  But, in knowing what I know now and seeing the testimonies of the Lord's work around me and in other seemingly impossible marriages, I know the restorative power of Jesus and that He can work the impossible when we let Him. So, in that light, shouldn't we respect our husbands unconditionally, with the same reliance on our Heavenly Father?  It's an act of obedience and obedience does not always feel "fun" or easy.

So, what does unconditionally respecting our husbands actually look like?  Well, this is something I'm still learning.  And, it is hard to think about.  I'm trying to come up with something terribly disrespectful that Mark or any husband could do...and then ask myself how I would respond and how could I respect that.  With my flesh?...no, that's impossible.  Let's see...let's say my or your husband chose to do something very dishonest.  Are we supposed to respect that action?  No, I don't think that's what it's saying.  I believe it's like the call to love.  You know how you've heard the saying "love the person, hate their sin"?  I think that's how it's supposed to be in respecting our men.  Respect him for who he is and who you married. Right?  Does this make sense?

I started reading this Love and Respect book with admitted cynicism.  But, obviously, I am gaining much more out of it now, than I thought I would.  I guess bringing it up as a discussion topic with other women started to give me insight to the truth of it and how we, Christian wives, need to freshen up on the instructions the Lord has given us.  I desire a fabulous marriage...and I, honestly, believe that I do have one.  But, I want more!  We need to always be growing and pursuing new heights in the Lord.  In all respects, Mark and I are still 'newly weds' (4 years) - so we have lots of growing to do!  I want to be a power-house couple that emanates the fragrance of Christ!

Anyway...stepping off my soapbox now.  Those were my current jumbled thoughts on this and I needed to unload them after the difficult discussion I had with the ladies at my study.  I would love to hear other thoughts!

it's raining...

it's not pouring, but sometimes it sure feels like it when your heart is hurting.  

Lately I've really been wanting to write...to ramble my current slam of thoughts.  I'm still so new to this whole blogging thing.  Sometimes, I write with abandon...laying my vulnerability out there for all to see.  Though, recently I've found myself to be reserved, actually caring what others might think when they read this.  I once had a friend accuse me of always being negative (I had been having some rough times....ya know:  a miscarriage, lost my job, my best friend, at the time, went crazy...just simple things really) and it has instilled in me the fear of ever expressing too deep of feelings/thoughts that might relay an attitude of being 'negative', too often.  I don't want this blog to be my 'Woe is Me Session' (yuck) but I have to be honest and admit that this winter has been a hard one for me.  Actually, let me rephrase that....this period of my life since moving out to the beach, away from any close family or friends, has been the hardest season of my life. Each year here presents new trials, usually with relationships, that I must forge through...always leaving myself to ask the question: "what is wrong with me?"  Before moving here to get married and live with my husband, I never had such relational challenges.  One of my closest girlfriends pointed out to me, today, that it is most likely due to the fact that this is the first time I have lived away from my family and any close dear friends.  I have had to survive on my own, I suppose.  So, maybe I stink at discerning who would be a good new friend!?  haha.  I am such a relational person.  I truly cherish my friendships.  I have a quality about me that works for and against me, at the same time:  I don't guard myself and I invest quickly.  I give my trust very quickly and am not afraid to be vulnerable.  As you can see, this can typically be a good quality to have in a friend, but it has also led to much pain.  You'd think I'd have trust issues by now....Lord knows I wish I did!  Sometimes I actually wish that I would guard my trust and heart a bit more protectively...I get hurt and often vow that I will not entrust myself to someone so quickly the next time.  But, I always fail.  I get excited, like a little girl, to meet someone new (geesh, sounds kinda desperate, don't it?).  Anyway, now this sounds like I keep allowing myself to get my feelers hurt...that I must be some overly-sensitive girl who can't hold a friendship...and maybe that is the case...??  But, deep down I don't feel like that is what it is.  I have just met some disappointing people on my journey of living out here.  Mark has continually warned me that coastal people are a different/challenging breed.  But, I acknowledge in the same breath that I, of course, have my own hang-ups and these relational trials have served to teach me a new revelation about myself that I must submit to the Lord and grow from.

So, yeah.  I have been feeling a bit blue lately.  My health has become a big challenge again and that is a daily struggle that I try not to let get me down.  Mark and I are currently wading through an issue that I struggle with and everyday I look at him and sometimes feel myself thinking that he deserves so much better.  Financial struggles are finally hitting us and we find ourselves asking what is next? ...should Mark find a new career?  ...could we/should we move away from here (fingers crossed!)?  My spiritual walk is the driest it's ever been - I want to feel Jesus so badly right now, but I struggle through the muck to even believe that I am capable of feeling Him. And, this place is stinkin' lonely.  I am a stay at home mom.  I love my job but I need companionship in the baddest way.  But, this week I found myself stunned from another let-down friendship.  My heart is aching and bewildered.  Boohoo. Woe is me.

It's raining...but I know it's not pouring.  It's not pouring because these are mild trials in the grand scheme of it all. I know that.  It doesn't make it all hurt any less.  But, when I hear about another friend's current trials I am put in my place and shown how challenging it really could be.  But, right now, I am still aching.  I am in my muck.  Am I over-reacting...am I over-dramatizing?  Perhaps.  But that is how I feel.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve, in plain sight for all to see.  If I were to sit here and write out some emotion-less post about food or health, I would not be true to myself and my current frame of mind.  So this is 

where I'm at.

I started re-reading Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge the other week.  Yes, it is a very trendy Christian book, but it is still worth the read and I highly recommend it.  It points out how, too often, women struggle with feeling like they are not enough yet, at the same time, that they are far too much.  Holy cow, I soooooo relate to that, don't you?  I catch my thoughts wandering to places, thinking:  "I'm not enough of a serving wife"..."I'm not a patient enough mother"..."I'm not a thoughtful enough friend"...to..."I have too many opinions"..."I react with too much emotion"..."I over-think too much".  Can anyone else relate to this?  Anyway, so this book is great because it delves into those struggling thoughts and begins to reveal to you, as a woman, that you are neither too much nor lacking but that you are just right, for that is how God designed you.  This is the briefest summary of just 

a portion of this book...but all that to say, it is pretty darn encouraging especially for the struggles I am currently facing.

I have to keep re-realizing that while I do the best I can to learn and grow to be a better, loving person, I am still me just as Jesus created me and some people will embrace that while others will reject it.  I thought/expected friendships to be opportunities to embrace each other's differences, quirks and all - a striving for unconditional love and acceptance. And, I still believe that's how it should be.  It is a sad world for those who do not view or treat friendships in the same light for their relationships will be lacking.

I am left dwelling upon one of my most favoritest quotes that I relate to in a very intimate way:

Then the time came when the risk it took

To remain tight in a bud was more painful

Than the risk it took to blossom.

~Anias Nin

To my true dear friends:  May we continue to blossom into the beauties that God designed us to be...quirks and all...and love each other, unconditionally, for them.

My dear husband and best friend for life

Mi Madre, who has loved me unconditionally since I was in her womb

Lacey Jean, my bosom buddy - though, I'm more bosom and she's more booty...maybe we should be 'bosom booties'?

Katy, my beautiful dear sister and one of my closest friends

Becky, my adopted sister in Christ and friend who tells it like it is (we're at a costume party in this pic)

Brooke, my lifelong friend since childhood - we shared Barbies and played chipmunk

...just to name a few.